Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
