I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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