just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
foreskin is a definite game changer
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
