I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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