i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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