so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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