You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
