You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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