do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
