Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
