he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just blew my weed a kiss
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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