Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
