wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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