It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
