he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
