community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
