I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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