WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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