I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
