Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
