I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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