when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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