I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That accounts for only three of the penises
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
