i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
