Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
