it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
