Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Screwed.edu
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
