he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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