he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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