I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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