Will you blow on my dice?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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