The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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