Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just invented taco cereal.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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