i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
someone owes me an orgasm
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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