Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
