So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
