did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
