Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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