Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
