lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
