So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
