I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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