It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
