I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
