I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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