i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize