Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
