Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Randomize
