You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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