im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
That's when you crack a 10am beer
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
