my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
