i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
