Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
