I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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