She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
