Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
