Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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