You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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