when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
